


heart keeps on beating

by allegrolines



Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Cuddling, Feelings, Fluff, Friendship/Love, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-18 21:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4720889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegrolines/pseuds/allegrolines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kihyun is unimpressed, Hyungwon and Changkyun eat ramyun, Hoseok has a cold, Hyunwoo gives good advice, Minhyuk is way too protective, and Jooheon isn't as clueless as everyone seems to believe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	heart keeps on beating

MONDAY

“You aren't being subtle,” Kihyun says right into Minhyuk's ear.

Because he's Yoo Kihyun, he chooses the worst possible moment to startle Minhyuk, who chokes on his mouthful of water and coughs until his eyes sting. So much for enjoying their fifteen-minute break from choreo practice, he thinks, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Everybody is staring at him with various degrees of confusion on their faces—Jooheon had flopped next to Hoseok not five minutes ago and they had been poring over one of Hoseok's books, but now he's looking at Minhyuk too. Minhyuk smiles weakly at them, blinking the tears away, and then proceeds to grab Kihyun's arm and pull him out of the room.

"What the hell was that?" Minhyuk asks once they are out sight—and out of hearing—from the rest.

"You know what I meant," Kihyun replies impatiently, like they've had this same conversation before. And then he adds, "you _only_ look at him _all the time_."

Minhyuk's first instinct is to deflect, go on full denial mode—he thinks he's getting pretty good at that. Hyunwoo had cornered him a couple of days ago and asked about Jooheon and whether everything was alright, and Minhyuk had just managed to bullshit his way out of replying. But Hyunwoo had been earnest and worried and vaguely awkward, whereas Kihyun only looks testy and unimpressed, and Minhyuk suddenly feels weighed down by every bit of exhaustion he's been accumulating since before their debut. His whole body is sore and his eyes burn from too little sleep, and he just wants Yoo Kihyun to _mind his own damn business_.

"There's nothing to worry about," Minhyuk bites out.

"Really," Kihyun says. His voice is flat, his lips are also a tight, flat line. Minhyuk wonders if it's too late to run away. "The only reason Jooheon doesn't know you have it bad for him is because he's hopelessly oblivious. No, listen," Kihyun continues, talking over Minhyuk's attempts to speak, "you can tell him about that or not, that's your call. But you have to stop butting in every time someone outside the group talks to him for more than ten seconds."

"That was _once_ ," Minhyuk protests, "and that guy was making him uncomfortable." He doesn't even remember what he said to the man, but he remembers Jooheon's face just before, carefully blank in a way Minhyuk has learnt to hate.

Kihyun seems to deflate slightly. "Look," he says, "I know you care for Jooheon—for all of us. Most of the time I appreciate that there's someone else around reminding the kids to feed themselves or—or making sure Hoseok hyung doesn't run out of his vitamins. Just. Don't go overboard. About Jooheon." He takes a deep breath. "You don't need to push yourself so hard all the time, you know?"

Minhyuk doesn't answer, because that's the thing: he does need to push himself as hard as he can. "Yah, Yoo Kihyun-ssi," he says instead, willing his voice to sound light and teasing. "Try to remember you aren't my mom, eh?"

He must really be getting better at this—Kihyun huffs and rolls his eyes, and pushes him back towards the practice room. "I'll believe that when you stop leaving your dirty underwear on the bathroom floor."

###

Before they restart the rehearsal Jooheon slides close and leans on Minhyuk. He's a line of heat, his chin hooked on Minhyuk's left shoulder, his body loose and familiar. Minhyuk swears he can feel the little puffs of Jooheon's breath on his neck.

"You okay? You aren't getting sick too, right?" Jooheon asks.

 _Hopelessly oblivious_ , Minhyuk thinks. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe this way he'll be able to keep taking care of the guys, and taking care of Jooheon, and at the end of the day he'll have little moments like this, close and intimate, full of Jooheon's easy brand of affection, and just for him.

"I've never been better," Minhyuk replies. It's not all the truth, but it's not a lie either. He reaches for Jooheon's elbow, squeezes it gently. "C'mon, Idea Bank, show me those dance steps you couldn't stop talking about last night."

 

TUESDAY 

They drag themselves through the dorm's door, their steps heavy and slow. Minhyuk makes a beeline for his room—his, and Jooheon's, and Changkyun's—tripping over the mess of shoes at the entrance. He has the first turn in the shower this evening, and he wastes no time to get there, grabbing a towel and clean clothes, and shuffling to the bathroom afterwards. 

The warm water is a blessing. Minhyuk groans, bends his head forward and closes his eyes. His hair is getting too long and it sticks to his wet face, tickling his nose. Minhyuk pushes it back and reaches for the shampoo. As much as he wants to stay like this forever, there are six other guys waiting for their turn. Plus, he thinks when his stomach rumbles, he really should eat something.

Still, Minhyuk takes as long as he can, and when he finally walks into the kitchen—hair still damp and held back with a couple of bobby pins, a hand towel around his neck, his tablet clutched under an arm—everyone seems to have scattered around the dorm. There's the tinny sound of music coming from one of the bedrooms, followed by Hoseok's laugh, and the murmur of conversation from the living room. Minhyuk considers the stove for a brief moment, shakes his head, and ends up grabbing a pudding cup from the fridge and a handful of cookies.

In the living room, Hyungwon and Changkyun are bent over a pot of ramyun. And Jooheon is asleep on Hyungwon's lap.

To be absolutely fair, Jooheon is curled up on the floor in a way Minhyuk doubts can be comfortable, but he's lost his snapback somewhere and his head is pillowed on Hyungwon's thigh. Hyungwon is petting Jooheon's hair while he and Changkyun eat.

"Did Kihyun cook?" Minhyuk asks, sitting down next to Changkyun.

Hyungwon shakes his head. "I made this," he replies. 

Minhyuk eyes the pot suspiciously. It does not look like Hyungwon's usual style of cooking—there's cabbage and hard-boiled eggs mixed in with the noodles, and the broth looks thick and rich. It smells delicious.

"Changkyunie boiled the eggs," Hyungwon says, grinning proudly at Changkyun. "I saw this recipe on YouTube. It's very easy to make."

"Is it," Minhyuk says around a spoonful of pudding. He wonders exactly when and how Hyungwon had the time to watch cooking videos, but Hyungwon works in his own mysterious ways, so he decides against asking and goes to check Twitter.

Minhyuk takes the Search King title very seriously. He has all their fansites bookmarked—not only his, but also the other members'—and he monitors them regularly. He checks the comments on their official Twitter and every time there's a new article on them. It can be upsetting sometimes—there's little Minhyuk can do against the haters—but it makes him feel better to be aware of the good (and bad) things people say about them. At the very least, it definitely makes him feel more in control.

Jooheon makes a little sleepy sigh from the other side of the ramyun pot. His face looks young and relaxed and weirdly solemn. Hyungwon is scratching absently at the soft hair at the back of his head.

"You know," Minhyuk says, trying to sound casual, "I could pull him off you. I mean—" he clears his throat, "so you could eat in peace."

"It's fine, he's not bothering me," Hyungwon replies. He sounds exactly as he always does, not mocking or knowing or anything, but Minhyuk is convinced Hyungwon is secretly laughing at him.

"Right," Minhyuk says. He turns to Changkyun and hands him the tablet. "So, Kkukkungie," he says, "I need you to translate this for me."

Changkyun takes it warily. "What's this?" he asks, looking from Minhyuk's face to the tablet screen. The corners of his mouth are stained red from the ramyun.

"An article or something," Minhyuk says. He raises his hands when Changkyun frowns at him. "Hey, I'm not the English expert, that's why I'm asking you," he says. "I'll give you a cookie?"

"Those cookies are mine, hyung," Changkyun sighs, but it's a token protest, resigned in the same way he sounds when they call him by his nickname. He reads for a while until he suddenly grimaces and looks up, blushing a little. "This is making me uncomfortable," he says. 

"Why? Is it bad?" Minhyuk leans towards him, craning his head so he can see the screen better.

"Let's say it's maybe— _uh_ —a little too good," Changkyun says. He pushes the tablet back into Minhyuk's hands and takes another mouthful of noodles, presumably so he can avoid looking at any of them in the eye.

Well, Minhyuk thinks, that was awkward.

###

Jooheon is the last one to shower. Changkyun is already asleep, but Minhyuk lies wide awake on his side, facing the wall in the dark. The room is cool and silent, and the sheet under him smells of fabric softener. There's the click of the door opening and closing, and then Jooheon's steps, soft and careful.

"Hyung?" Jooheon whispers, "Minhyukie?"

Minhyuk turns onto his back and looks up. Jooheon is standing next to his bed; as soon as he sees Minhyuk move he crouches down so their faces are at the same level.

"Can I show you something?" Jooheon asks. "Only if you don't mind staying awake a little longer."

"Yeah," Minhyuk says, and then, "yeah, come here."

Jooheon does, getting on Minhyuk's bunk with minimum fuss. There are days where Minhyuk can't help but wonder how many times Jooheon had done this before, had made himself at home on a bed that wasn't his own. Tonight, though, Minhyuk pushes those thoughts away and scoots over to give him a few extra centimeters. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they still end up lying half on top of each other.

"Here," Jooheon says, handing him something—an earbud. The screen of his phone lights up suddenly, and Minhyuk has to close his eyes against the glare. "This is still pretty rough but—" Jooheon's voice trails away. "Well, you'll see—or hear—I guess."

He must press some button because a few seconds later a song starts playing. It sounds like the bare bones of something bigger, Minhyuk can already tell that much—a little sad, and a little sweet, with recorded bits here and there of what sounds like Seoul at night, and an underlying bass line that reverberates under Minhyuk's breastbone.

"Can you play it again?" he asks as soon as it fades away. His voice sounds too rough and breathless, and he doesn't care.

Jooheon complies, and the second time around Minhyuk can almost tell where their voices will go, the way they'll sound over the track. He shivers and Jooheon loops an arm around his waist, burrowing closer to him.

"I don't know when it'll be ready," he says into Minhyuk's neck. He sounds apologetic in a way that makes Minhyuk wonder exactly how much pressure he's under. The thing about No.Mercy was that all of them had their ups and downs, in terms of ranking—all of them except Jooheon. Minhyuk hates to think about what it must feel like to be in that position, with everyone expecting you to be always at your best, to never falter or do anything wrong. Like you aren't as human or as breakable as the rest. He squeezes Jooheon's arm, leans their heads together.

"It's beautiful," Minhyuk says. He wishes he could say more, but Jooheon melts further against him with a sigh, like that was the only right answer.

"There's this part—" he interrupts himself to hum a little bit of the song. His fingers tap the rhythm against Minhyuk's ribs. "I was thinking of your voice when I wrote it, the way it's kind of husky but like, not too low. I think—" Minhyuk feels Jooheon's smile on his skin, "I think it'll sound good. You'll sound good."

"Thanks," Minhyuk whispers. His throat feels too tight. After a while, Jooheon takes the earbud out of his ear gently and turns away from him. The bed frame creaks a little when he stands up.

"Goodnight, hyung," he says.

"Sleep well, Jooheonie."

Minhyuk rolls over to face the wall again. His pillow smells like baby powder.

 

WEDNESDAY

"Ah, Minhyukie." Hoseok starts coughing again. "Is it my turn to record the backstage mission?" he finally manages to ask. 

Minhyuk takes a good look at him. Hoseok is huddled in a mostly quiet corner of the hallway, and his face is flushed and tired. His throat was sore earlier in the morning and he spent the ride to the studio dozing off in the passenger seat. When they woke him up his eyes were glassy and unfocused, but onstage he was perfectly in synch with the rest of the group, like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Kihyunie is taking care of it, hyung," Minhyuk answers, "Hyungwonie is helping, too."

"Well," Hoseok says after a pause, "that'll be an interesting backstage to watch."

Minhyuk hums in assent, already distracted, and starts rummaging through his bag, trying to find the cough syrup he always packs before their schedules—that, and bandaids, vitamin supplements, painkillers, and lemon candy. This situation isn't as extreme or bad as shooting with broken bones—and thank god for that—but it makes Minhyuk wish he had the power to make Hoseok stay in bed until he was fully rested and recovered. He pours some of the syrup carefully into the cap of its own bottle, and hands it to Hoseok. "Here, hyung, drink this," he says.

Hoseok knocks it back like it's a soju shot, grimacing afterwards. "Tastes awful," he protests, sticking his tongue out of his mouth. He freezes and squints at Minhyuk. "And what's that supposed to be?" he asks.

"A scarf," Minhyuk replies calmly while he unwinds it, "and you should really put it on, hyung."

The horrified look on Hoseok's face would be worth taking a picture. Or ten. "It's _July_ ," he whines. Minhyuk takes advantage of his shock to start looping the scarf around his neck. "Yes, and you have a cold—no, stop that, hyung," Minhyuk says, slapping Hoseok's hands away when he tries to shrug it off.

There's a chuckle and Minhyuk turns around. Jooheon is walking towards them, his backpack hanging from one shoulder and a brown paper bag in his other hand. He's wearing street clothes and his face has been scrubbed clean, and he looks unfairly beautiful under the harsh lights of the building. 

"Ah, Jooheonie," Hoseok says, perking up a bit. "Are we done?"

"Almost," Jooheon says. "Hyungwonie and Changkyunie are finishing the backstage video, and Hyunwoo hyung's going through the rest of the schedule with Jinwoo hyung—careful with that, it's hot," he warns Hoseok, passing him a disposable cup. "This is good for colds," he explains, "I asked the lady at the coffeeshop and she made it especially for you."

Up close the cup smells like flowers and ginger and honey. Hoseok takes it like it's something precious. 

"And this one's for you, hyung," Jooheon adds. He hands Minhyuk a second cup, cold and a little damp to the touch. "I need to get back with the others—they said they needed me for something," Jooheon says, looking at Hoseok, "but you can rest a little longer, I think. I'll tell Jinwoo hyung you're here and that Minhyukie hyung's keeping you company, okay?" 

Hoseok nods, already taking careful little sips of tea, and Jooheon heads back to their backstage room. 

"This is nice," Hoseok says, beaming at his cup like a fool. He looks kind of adorably ridiculous, still wearing his stage costume with its sleeveless shirt and Minhyuk's fluffiest scarf on top.

Minhyuk pats his knee. 

###

The van is quiet on their way back to the company, the radio turned on low and the dongsaengs sleeping in the back. Minhyuk is about to nod off himself when something pops up in his brain: the expression on Jooheon's face earlier, the soft, fond tilt of his mouth. The way their fingers had brushed together when he had given Minhyuk the cup of coffee.

 _Oh_.

Minhyuk startles so badly he bangs his knee against the seat in front of him. There's a muffled, annoyed grunt and Kihyun pops his head over the headrest and glares sleepily at him. 

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry—my leg went numb," Minhyuk hurries to say when Kihyun opens his mouth to speak. Kihyun blinks at him for a long moment, gaping like a fish, but finally turns around and leaves Minhyuk to freak out in peace. 

Objectively, it's not a big deal. Objectively, they are a close-knit group and they always try to support and take care of each other. Minhyuk knows this because that's the way it's been since the beginning. He's been especially focused on Hoseok lately, fussing over him, trying to nurse him back to full health or, at the very least, attempting to keep his lingering cold from getting worse. And the rest of the guys have been like that too—letting Hoseok sleep a handful of minutes longer than usual, and making sure he eats well, and doing what little things they can to make him more comfortable. Of course Jooheon had gotten tea for Hoseok. He really didn't need to buy the extra coffee, though.

Minhyuk steals a glance at Jooheon over his shoulder. He's slumped on his seat, earbuds on and snapback pulled low over his face. Minhyuk wishes he had said something earlier, or returned Jooheon's smile, or just acknowledged Jooheon's little gesture at all. 

So, yeah. It's not a big deal. But at this moment Minhyuk really wants to kick his past self in the shins.

 

THURSDAY 

_Everybody has bad days_.

Minhyuk splashes a handful of cold water on his face, tries to tell himself that everything is fine. He feels his stomach lurch uncomfortably when he catches a glimpse of his face, pale and upset, in the restroom mirror.

Wash, rinse, repeat. 

It's difficult to keep taking deep, steady breaths when he's been feeling on edge since Kihyun woke him up way too early (again), hitting his face with a pillow ( _again_.)That uneasiness is familiar by now, doubt and guilt and fear of not doing a good enough job for the group. 

At his worst moments—and this is a bad one—Minhyuk feels like he's back in time, waiting for his name to be called and become part of Starship's new boy group. They don't talk about the finale very often—Jooheon doesn't mention it at all—but Minhyuk remembers standing at the back of the stage, staring at the ones that had already made it, and just _wanting_ to be at their side so much he had been shaking like a leaf.

And then Hyungsoo sunbaenim said Minhyuk's name, and Jooheon started crying like his heart had just been broken into pieces, and there was confetti falling all over and around them. 

Minhyuk reaches for the paper towels and starts drying off his face.

The thing is, he may not be Yoo Kihyun or Son Hyunwoo—or Lee Jooheon—but he's been doing well, both in vocal lessons and during performances. He cares for the fans, and always tries to do his job at the best of his abilities, tries to be approachable and give them the love and attention they deserve. Minhyuk is the jack-of-all-trades, the visual, the mood maker, and he's very aware of the responsibilities of each one of those roles. His first priority since he debuted—since his name was finally called and he was allowed to take those five steps forward—has been keeping the team together and everybody happy. He doesn't have any real recent reasons to feel like this, shaky and guilty and conflicted. But he does.

The paper towels crumple in his hands and Minhyuk throws them into the trash bin. He's lost track of time a bit, so he isn't sure how long it has been since he begged Jinwoo hyung for ten minutes off after their performance, and then ran to the restroom to try to collect himself. 

He's startled by the sound of footsteps, getting closer and closer. Minhyuk has a moment of panic—it can only be Jinwoo hyung, coming to see what is taking him so long. He acts without thinking, rushes to the door in a few long strides and manages to lock it just before whoever's outside can finish turning the knob.

"Go away!" Minhyuk yells—and, oh, their managers will give him hell for this later, but right now he can't help it, can't stop the words and the frustration from spilling out—"I just want a moment for myself! Just a moment! For me—no fans, no team, no cameras around! Just leave me alone!"

The silence afterwards feels like static, and Minhyuk would cringe at his outburst if he weren't too busy struggling to catch his breath, panting like he's just finished one of their dance routines. He waits for Jinwoo hyung's angry voice, feeling his heartbeat like a drum in his ears, his throat, his temples.

Instead, there's a soft knock on the door.

Minhyuk runs a hand over his face. He takes a deep breath. Finally, after counting to ten twice, he unlocks the door and opens it, with an apology ready at the tip of his tongue.

Jooheon is standing outside. His face is blank, almost pleasant—Minhyuk kind of hates himself a little for making Jooheon look like that. He opens his mouth and finds he's lost all his words.

"We're leaving in ten minutes, hyung," Jooheon says. His voice sounds calm and detached. "Sorry," he adds, "I didn't mean to bother you."

"Jooheon-ah—"

"I'll wait for you with the others." He takes a step back when Minhyuk reaches out and tries to touch his arm. "Excuse me, hyung," Jooheon says, bowing his head a bit and turning on his heels. Minhyuk stays frozen on his spot. 

Everything that happened yesterday—the weight of a coffee cup in his hands, Jooheon's smile—feels like it belonged to a different person.

###

Minhyuk asks Hyunwoo to help him go over their new dance steps, so they head to one of the practice rooms after their vocal rehearsal. Hyunwoo is a good teacher; he has a sharp eye for detail and doesn't mince his words, but he's also patient and never deliberately mean. Minhyuk is glad for his steady presence, the way Hyunwoo's voice helps him feel centered and focused on the way his body is supposed to move. They dance nonstop for over an hour, and when Hyunwoo calls for a break they sit down on the floor, sweaty and tired, and pass a water bottle back and forth between them.

"I think you're getting there," Hyunwoo says. "The second verse should be sharper, but the bridge part is better. How late do you want to stay?"

"As late as you can," Minhyuk replies, still panting a little. "I don't have plans, so," he shrugs.

Hyunwoo nods. "You've been working hard," he says, and Minhyuk can't help but feel pleased at his words. "I'm happy the team gets along well," Hyunwoo says suddenly. "I think we all know how difficult this can be, and we're doing a good job."

"We were doing well before debuting, too," Minhyuk says. He hesitates, but finally adds, "you received us well." 

"Hoseok helped a lot," Hyunwoo says. He sighs. "It's not easy, changing teams and having to fit in with a new company and new people. I had so many regrets, at the beginning." Hyunwoo takes a long swallow of water. Minhyuk looks away, fiddling with his shoelaces. "I'm glad it worked out. I'm glad we debuted together."

Minhyuk means to agree and suggest they go over the dance steps again. Instead, he says, "do you ever feel bad? About the ones who didn't make it?"

"I don't," Hyunwoo says, "because that wouldn't be fair to them. For them, I need to be the best version of me I can." He pauses, like he's trying to find the right words. "I've been the one that got cut off, before. But I knew my friends were working hard to follow their dream, and that's what made me keep following mine. And now I have all of you. Many of us have been in that position before. We have each other's backs now."

Minhyuk thinks about wrapping a scarf around Hoseok's neck. Kihyun, waking everyone up every morning. Hyungwon, cooking ramyun for Changkyun. All the ways they keep themselves together through the good times and the very bad ones.

"We're a good team," he says. 

Hyunwoo looks at him for a long moment. "Jooheonie had a hard time, before our debut" he finally says. Minhyuk is glad they are still sitting down because he can feel his hands and legs start shaking. He hugs his knees to his chest. "I don't always understand the way he thinks," Hyunwoo adds thoughtfully. "He cares a lot for his friends, and sometimes he gives too much of himself. But you make him smile. You're good to him."

"He's my friend," Minhyuk replies after a moment. He feels raw and exposed, like he’s saying too much instead of just stating the obvious.

Hyunwoo nods again. There's something satisfied in his eyes. "Then make sure he knows you aren't going away."

 

FRIDAY

"You stayed at the studio again," Kihyun says while one of the stylists retouches his hair. "Did you sleep at all?"

Minhyuk looks up from his tablet. It's Kihyun and Jooheon's turn getting ready for their stage, and they are sitting one next to the other, facing the mirrors at one side of the room. The rest of the group is waiting nearby, some of them still bare faced and with messy hair, passing a bag of chips around and drinking ice coffee—all except Hoseok, who is snoring softly, slumped on Hyunwoo's side.

"Hyung, it's okay," Jooheon replies. From what little Minhyuk can see, Jooheon doesn't look more tired than usual, but that may be because he's already gone past the point of exhaustion. They all have, after over two months of promotions. "I slept a few hours like I usually do, it's _fine_." 

Before Kihyun can say anything else, Hyungwon walks by, stopping between him and Jooheon. "I sleep deeply enough for both Jooheonie and myself," he declares with a sunny smile. The hair and makeup girls giggle behind their hands. Jooheon beams up at him.

"See?" Jooheon says. "Hyungwonie is taking care of me." 

Kihyun mumbles something under his breath that Minhyuk doesn't catch and the other two ignore, but he doesn't add anything else about Jooheon not coming back to the dorm. Minhyuk can't help but keep staring at them, noticing how Hyungwon squeezes Jooheon's shoulder briefly before walking back to Changkyun and folding himself gracefully next to their maknae.

The moment is broken by a small commotion behind them. Another of the groups in today’s lineup walks in fast, the members and managers followed by all the people responsible for their wardrobes and onstage appearances. They start a round of greetings and Minhyuk gets up automatically, waits for Hyunwoo's cue to go through their introduction, and bows deeply afterwards. Their own team finish getting Jooheon ready to go almost at the same time the noise goes down a little. He stands up, stretches his arms high above his head in a way that makes his white t-shirt cling to the curve of his spine. He rolls his shoulders too, presses his knuckles to the back of his neck. 

Jooheon turns around and Minhyuk starts, realizing he’s been staring at him. He looks away quickly, tries to focus back on his tablet. The tips of his ears feel very hot. He's still like that, bent over the screen and very carefully keeping his eyes down, when a familiar pair of sneakers stop in front of him.

"Is there any coffee left?" Jooheon asks. 

"I think Hyunwoo hyung has it," Minhyuk replies. He looks up and Jooheon is smiling at him—a bit of a tentative smile, maybe, but a smile nonetheless. 

It's usually difficult to name the space that Jooheon takes in Minhyuk's head, the kind of breathless elation Minhyuk sometimes feels around him. Four days ago Kihyun accused him of looking at Jooheon all the time. Today, Minhyuk can only think, almost helplessly, _How could I not?_

For once he's unsure of what to say, what to do other than grin back at Jooheon and hope he isn't showing too much—but also that he's showing enough. 

 

SATURDAY 

At first Minhyuk doesn’t know why he's awake. He blinks slowly in the dark, curled up on his side, vaguely aware of the softness of the pillow under his cheek and the way the sheet is tangled around his legs. He's still drowsy enough he starts dozing off again, but then he hears a soft gasp, followed by a rustle, all coming from the other bunk. Minhyuk startles, his blood rushing up to his cheeks—and then, embarrassingly, going straight to his dick. He is wide awake, tense and uncomfortable, his heart pounding while he prays Jooheon doesn't realize he isn't sleeping anymore. But then there's a moment of complete silence, and Jooheon gets up and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Minhyuk takes a breath. He wills his body to calm down and waits for Jooheon to come back, straining to hear the telltale sound of his footsteps. There's nothing, though. Minhyuk turns on his back. He should let it go and try to fall asleep again as fast as possible. But he knows something isn't right. If Jooheon wasn't— _taking care of himself_ , Minhyuk's mind supplies—if he wasn't doing that then something else must have been keeping him awake. Minhyuk hesitates for a moment, his hands curling and uncurling at his sides. He finally pushes himself up and off the bed, and goes to find Jooheon. 

The dorm is dark and still and quiet, but after his eyes adjust a bit Minhyuk can see a faint glow coming from the kitchen. He tries to walk as carefully as possible, not wanting to wake up the others and end up with unnecessary drama in his hands. And then he's at the kitchen's doorway and it's like someone has punched him in the gut.

Jooheon is sitting down, elbows on the table, face buried in his hands. His hair is sticking up in every direction, he's wearing a t-shirt and loose shorts, and his feet are bare, tucked under the chair. He looks pale and small and too vulnerable. Minhyuk swallows, and tries to keep himself from panicking. 

"Hey," he croaks. His voice sounds weird and awkward, like it's not his own.

Jooheon doesn't startle. He doesn't do anything, long enough Minhyuk begins to think he hasn't heard him at all. But then he sighs and raises his head. He isn't crying, as Minhyuk had feared, but his eyes are bloodshot and tired. "Hey, hyung," he says.

"I wanted some water and saw you weren't on your bed," Minhyuk says in a rush. It's a lie—Jooheon should be able to tell it's a lie—but it gives him a reason to be here, an excuse to finally step in the kitchen properly and walk to the sink. He grabs a glass. "Would you like some water too, Jooheon-ah?" he asks.

"Yes, please," Jooheon whispers. Minhyuk gets a second glass, fills it up and then sets it carefully on the table. Jooheon wraps his hands around it, so hard his knuckles turn white. "Could you—" he begins. Minhyuk nods at him, hoping he looks calm and attentive instead of just plain worried. "I dreamed—I mean, I had a bad dream. Kind of?" Jooheon's voice shakes, and Minhyuk knows he won't be able to hear that damn dreaming aegyo again without wanting to punch someone. "I—Could you sit down with me, Minhyukie? Please?"

Minhyuk does, moving one of the other chairs so he's closer to Jooheon. He wonders if he should touch him, if it would help somehow; Jooheon is one of the most tactile and affectionate people Minhyuk has ever met, but he also needs time and space to be on his own sometimes. In the end he folds his hands on his lap and waits. 

"Do you ever feel like all of this," Jooheon waves a hand around, "isn't real? Like it could just go away?"

"Yeah," Minhyuk says. He sighs, "yeah, of course."

"I thought it'd get better, you know?" Jooheon says, "I thought I'd stop being afraid all of you'd go away after we debuted, but sometimes—it's still so hard, some days."

Minhyuk clenches his fists until he can feel the bite of his nails in his palms. He wishes he could say something, anything, to make this better. He wishes he could promise Jooheon something he can't control at all. He clears his throat. 

"I guess—" he trails off, coughs again. "As long as we perform well, I guess we'll stay together. All of us. So. We just have to—to keep working hard."

Jooheon sighs. He tilts to the side, until his head is on Minhyuk's shoulder. "I know that," he says very softly, "I just wish I were better at believing it."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Minhyuk says back, tentatively putting his hand on Jooheon’s knee.

After a while Jooheon straightens up, reaches out for his untouched glass of water. "Thank you, hyung," he says. "You're always taking care of us."

"Right," Minhyuk answers faintly. He feels inadequate, like he doesn't really deserve Jooheon's gratitude. 

"A lot has changed," Jooheon continues, "but most of it has been good. Remember when you started training with us? You barely talked to me and—"

"Wait, what?"

Minhyuk's heart is beating too hard again. He's tired and he snapped at Jooheon two days ago, and most of the time he feels like a lovesick idiot, always five steps behind Jooheon, and now Jooheon is looking at him as if _Minhyuk_ has said something weird, and _nothing makes sense_.

"When we met?" Jooheon says, but now he looks unsure. "I was showing you and Hyungwonie some dance steps, and you kept turning away and talking to Kihyun—"

"You—you were flushed, and sweaty!" Minhyuk interrupts him. "You were wearing grey sweatpants and your shirt was stuck to your chest and back, and—and your hair was a mess! I mean— _Fuck_."

The silence afterwards is awkward, excruciatingly so. Jooheon's hands are shaking. He drinks his whole glass of water in one long swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. It's something Minhyuk has seen him do countless of times before their performances; he knows what it means there, but he doesn't know what it means now.

"I really like you," Jooheon says. He sounds surprised, and Minhyuk can see his cheeks turning red red red. "Never thought I'd say that aloud, you know? I like you," he repeats. "But I don't know what I'm doing—or what I'm supposed to do. No idea at all. So," he shrugs, "that's pretty much it."

"Oh," Minhyuk says, "I mean—oh—I—me too?"

Jooheon laughs softly, shy and rueful. Minhyuk can't stop thinking about kissing him, even though kissing him also seems too scary to contemplate. 

"I've seen you looking at me, sometimes," Jooheon says, "and I've wondered but—I don't know, it's pretty hard to believe."

"Well—uh—same?" Minhyuk replies, because it's easier than saying _I thought you were in love with your best friend, and I wonder if you still are_. He doesn't think he's fit for having that conversation tonight, not when he's still unsure he'll survive this one.

"I haven't—I haven't done this before," Jooheon stumbles a bit over his words and turns to look at him—and, oh, that's an answer to one of the questions Minhyuk hasn't dared to ask. "Have you?"

Minhyuk wonders if _this_ means them being guys, or them being teammates, or— "No, I'm just as lost as you," he replies. "Do you want to—do something? About us?" Minhyuk can't help but wince a little at how cheesy that sounds, but Jooheon looks hopeful and still slightly terrified. Maybe it'll be okay. 

"I think so?" Jooheon says, and then, more firmly, "I mean. Yes. If you want to."

"I do," Minhyuk says in a rush. "Maybe we should sleep now, though." 

"Tomorrow," Jooheon nods, "or, later today? We have to get ready for Music Core in the morning, but—" and then he breaks into a huge smile, all dimples and round cheeks. "As long as we keep working hard we have time, right?" 

 

SUNDAY

The bed in the living room is lumpy and too soft, barely bigger than any of their bunks. Minhyuk shifts on his back.

"Look, Jooheonie!" Hoseok exclaims, pointing at something in the computer screen. "This is a video of that program I told you about! Jooheonie?"

"I'm sleeping," Jooheon sighs. He's tucked close against Minhyuk's side, and it's surprisingly nice, Minhyuk thinks, especially given the poor quality of the mattress.

It's been one day. They had their last Inkigayo stage in the morning, and earlier Jooheon held his hand and squeezed it briefly while they were waiting onstage, and last night he leaned in and brushed a kiss on the corner of Minhyuk's mouth before they went to sleep—Minhyuk is pretty sure it was an accident; Jooheon was probably aiming for his cheek but the room was dark and Minhyuk's not complaining. Even with the end of promotions they still have a lot on their schedules but—

"That can't really be comfortable," Hoseok says, interrupting his thoughts. He is looking at them with a frown, like he's trying to make sense of Jooheon's head on Minhyuk's shoulder.

"Nah," Minhyuk agrees easily. Jooheon starts chuckling like he can't help himself. "But for now we're okay."

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Carly Rae Jepsen's "Love Again."
> 
> The ramyun Hyungwon cooks is based on [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxHe6nOWdBY). The fic is set at the end of July, during the last week of MX's "Honestly" promotions. 
> 
> Many thanks to Kate and Taka for all the help and cheerleading, and also to R for the beta—even though she doesn't really go here.
> 
> EDIT: [vicao](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vicao/pseuds/vicao) is translating this fic into Russian! You can find it [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3963181).


End file.
